


why do I feel so old?

by weenies



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: 5x08, Gap Filler, Ian POV, M/M, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 05:11:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3557246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weenies/pseuds/weenies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You face the wall of your bedroom, eyes closed but mind still running even as sleep threatens to overcome you. Your eyes start to drift close and you will your thoughts of Mickey to silence but distant echoes of “I’m done” replay in your head. This time he doesn’t say it with his words but his absence tells you as much. There may be no Terry, no physical threat, but you know that like before, he’s scared. You understand though because you’re scared too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	why do I feel so old?

You face the wall of your bedroom, eyes closed but mind still running even as sleep threatens to overcome you. Your eyes start to drift close and you will your thoughts of Mickey to silence but distant echoes of “I’m done” replay in your head. This time he doesn’t say it with his words but his absence tells you as much. There may be no Terry, no physical threat, but you know that like before, he’s scared. You understand though because you’re scared too.

You and him have survived two trips to juvie, your brief stint in the Army, fucking Terry, but this disorder—a disorder you don’t even have—is what scares Mickey off. It’s just you, no bipolar disorder, just you. It is just you and Mickey still hasn’t come see you. You think it’s probably best that you accept that he’s not going to. Mickey doesn’t want to see you. It hurts, but you understand.

You finally let go of the cell phone you kept clutched in your hand and you're asleep just minutes later.

________________

You’re once again facing the wall. You’re exhausted and you're scared and so fucking alone. You never thought that this twin sized bed that never could quite accommodate a boy of your height could feel so empty. You’ve missed your siblings and you’re home but you aren’t happy about it. You aren’t upset that your home, just upset that it means you’re no longer welcome elsewhere.

You hear the shuffling of feet near the door and a hesitant “hey” from the boy you’ve been waiting to hear from all day. You tense in surprise, your nerves cutting through the thick lithium-induced fog, and you wait for him to lash out. _You put a baby in a danger. Why’d you take the baby? Why’d you flush your pills? You’re bipolar. You’re just like Monica._ You’ve heard multiple variations of each and you hate it but you’re just too tired to stop Mickey from unloading on you.

“Sorry I’m late”

And just like that, all the tension drains from your shoulders and you quickly scoot over to make room for Mickey. The doubt isn’t completely gone but for a moment you allow it to fade into the back of your mind. Mickey’s here and he doesn’t criticize you, he doesn’t lecture. He takes off his jacket, crawls into bed, and kisses you between the creases of your forehead. You’re so relieved that you could cry. You probably would have if you weren’t so damned tired. You reach up to grab his hand where it rests on your face and let your eyes drift close. You soon fall asleep to the steady rhythm of Mickey’s breathing and his thumb brushing the side of your face.

________________

It’s still dark out when you wake up again. Mickey is laying on his side, an arm resting against your waist. He has since taken off his jeans and crawled under the covers. You watch as his eyes flutter open and squint to focus, a small smile playing at his lips.

“How long you been awake?”

“Not long”

Mickey hums in response while you bring your hand up to his cheek and lightly brush the tips of your fingers across the bruising cut below his eye. “What happened?”

“I uhh—I fell”

Mickey jumps slightly at your laughter. While you are incredibly tired and the laughing isn’t more than soft giggling, it’s the most emotion you’ve shown or felt in a while. “Fuck you” Mickey says through a smile of his own. “I was drunk”

Your smile softens at that and you no longer find it particularly funny. You both stare for a while longer and Mickey’s arm tightens around your waist. He doesn’t seem to want to upset the fragile peace you’ve established in this small twin-sized bed, surrounded by army posters that remind you of obstacle courses and ROTC and days on the roof. You don’t want to upset Mickey either but pretty soon your eyes are filling with tears and you allow yourself to feel what you’ve been holding in for months.

You cry for the boy that just wanted to get a gun back from the neighborhood thug. The boy who saw through Fuck U-up tattoos and empty threats through glass. You cry for you. The you that everyone seems to forget is still here.

You cry for Mickey too. For the pain and for the blood he never should have had to bleed. For the two boys who deserved so much more than they had been able to give each other. You cry because for the past twenty four hours you thought that the love you’ve both fought to be able to have was just going to be another thing Mickey couldn’t give you.

You don’t try to speak until your eyes dry and your body stops shaking in Mickey’s arms.

“I thought you didn’t want me anymore“

“Ian, I—

“It’s ok, I’d understand. I mean I don’t buy the diagnosis, but—”

“Ian” Your eyes snap up from where they had settled on Mickey’s collarbone. “I want you”

That shuts you up fairly quickly. He doesn’t make promises of a painless forever, but he tells you what you’ve always wanted to hear. Mickey wants you and it’s not enough to completely rid you of all fear and guilt, but it’s the reassurance you’ve needed. You’re lying in a bed that hardly fits one of you but it’s ok because you don’t feel so alone anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from All Comes Down by Kodaline because it came on right when I was titling this and also because I'm apparently naming all my fics after Kodaline songs. 
> 
> Come let me know what you think on [tumblr](angeliangallagher.tumblr.com)


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